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SWELL: Calvin thinking about Louisa and Sylvie [scraps] - J's Novel in Progress

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-The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
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-Holly Lisle Author Website

September 19th, 2005

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08:59 pm - SWELL: Calvin thinking about Louisa and Sylvie [scraps]
For a moment, he allowed his mind to wander toward Louisa. What would have happened if he had married her? He felt a pulling ache in his chest. They might have had children—Louisa would have wanted children, a little girl with her dark red hair. And Anna would be so happy for him—she and Louisa were such good friends, and Clarence, and Sam, who would baby-sit for them…

And he didn’t know what made him more disgusted with himself—the fact that he entertained these thoughts, or how wistfully happy they made him. He tortured himself over them like picking at a scab; the more he tried to mark them as forbidden and prohibited, the more he agonised, the more he wondered. He glanced over to the bed, where Sylvie’s dark head lay peacefully on her pillow. Sylvie always looked so young when she slept—her face gentle and unguarded, the look that children always lost once they became adults. That naïve, unaware look burned Calvin like a hot iron, twisted his stomach, made him dizzy with self-loathing, even though he knew that in real life, when she was awake, Sylvie was neither naïve nor unaware. Sylvie loved him, but she would hate him as well if she thought that he loved her less than he loved… well, she would hate him because of Louisa, and she would be right to, because she deserved better. They both deserved better, but Sylvie did especially. Calvin looked at Sylvie and his heart warmed and his stomach fluttered. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her. He didn’t want to think what would happen if she ever left him.

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